Log in

No account? Create an account
DeadPanWalking's Journal
[Most Recent Entries] [Calendar View] [Friends]

Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in DeadPanWalking's LiveJournal:

[ << Previous 20 ]
Wednesday, July 15th, 2009
10:07 pm
Theory - raising mainstream tastes - Current State of Movies
I'm not sure that mainstream audiences are dumb.

They do, however, appear to be dumb to the movie industry.

The problem is that studios have to get the audience's attention in order to sell a movie. The ideas are dumb and loud because that's what gets attention, that's how you get someone to turn their head, by being dumb and loud. Not because that is what the audience really wants to experience (although in some cases admittedly this is true.)

The audience wants to see something good. However, they see the (entire night out) experience as more than just the movie. To them, it's an outing, a social event, similar to poker night or a PTA meeting or even church to other types (non movie-mainstream) of audiences. It's ritualistic and therefore the quality automatically goes out the door since it has less bearing on the general experience of the event.

Anyway, I'm rambling but the final point is that it might be possible to market a smart and good movie in a dumb and loud fashion in order to get the attention of mainstream audiences, have a huge opening weekend, and then introduce nearly everyone to a really good movie.
Thursday, March 5th, 2009
2:18 pm
Good. You can follow my Twitter which I promise will never be serious nor meaningful, but maybe a little bit funny. Look me up using my real name or "Inconsolable" which I think is my Twitter name.
Tuesday, February 24th, 2009
3:59 pm
Weed Eater 12-Inch 3.7-AMP Electric String Trimmer #RT112 on Amazon
Perfect for Brooklyn Yards

My yard in Brooklyn has two patches of grass among the various landscaping, trash, pigeons, rats, hypodermic needles and beer bottles. This thing works like a charm to quickly and easily trim up small yards with no messy gas and it also works as a club to remove unsightly bums who may have passed-out in your yard. Get a move on, buddy, I've got to cut the grass! It's also very safe for this type of product (I accidentally ran it over my bare feet the other day, not even a bruise. FYI this is NOT RECOMMENDED but I thought I'd let you know. Okay, look, just don't use it on yourself, even if you're into that sort of thing. Geez, now this will probably be deleted.) Easy to use, easy to store, great for small patches of grass.
Wednesday, February 11th, 2009
2:59 pm
Old but somewhat useful
This was run somewhere else but I'm putting it here as well.

Super Bowl Ad Creative in ’09? I’m Not Buying It.

Plenty of Animals, Babies, Sex, and Violence but no Heart, Head, or Humor.


I had high hopes for the 2009 Super Bowl ads, I really did. I thought that maybe with the economy in the tank, corporations would open their eyes to what really makes a good ad. I hoped that agencies would realize that you don’t need expensive CGI or star power to get consumers to take notice. I prayed that everyone involved would come around to the idea that a simple and effective, scaled-down approach would be a refreshing change from last year’s dismal lineup. I was wrong.


What Makes a Good Super Bowl Ad?

In order to adequately complain about Super Bowl ads, I must first understand what makes an entry notable. I looked around the internet and found that there were three, nearly consensus choices for best Super Bowl ad of all time. They also fit neatly into the three, fairly distinct categories that seem to work best in the genre.



Coca-Cola: Mean Joe Green

This ad is all about the fantastic set-up. Mean Joe shuffles down the corridor after a tough game. He’s clearly injured and most likely defeated and certainly isn’t in the mood to deal with the adoration of some random kid. However, the persistent tot softens him up by offering Mean Joe his Coca-Cola. Joe uncharacteristically lowers his gruff façade and takes the drink from the kid, only to down it and continue down the path to the locker room. The dejected kid turns to walk back out into the stands and that’s when the magic happens. Joe says “Hey kid, catch” and throws him his no doubt priceless game-worn jersey. There you have it, three words. One of the greatest lines ever written in the history of advertising. This ad has been repeated with various sports stars in countries across the globe. It’s sheer genius.



Reebok: Terry Tate Office Linebacker

Laughing at pain and violence is perhaps the oldest form of comedy and has been used in advertising since the beginning. However, no spot has ever handled this old chestnut with such a deft and hilarious touch. Tate’s been hired by Felcher industries to straighten-out the staff. It’s sort of an HR position that utilizes Tate’s inimitable talents destroying his adversaries both physically and verbally on the football field. The dry tone of the Feltcher CEO contrasts perfectly with the high-energy antics of Tate. Truly, violence has never been funnier in a Super Bowl ad.



Apple: 1984

This might be the ad that started it all. This was the first true “event” ad to air in the Super Bowl, and it’s not a stretch to say that this was the spot that really brought Super Bowl ads into the public spotlight. It was a jaw dropping concept when it originally aired, and even now when you go back and look at it, this Orwellian spot stands out from the pack. This ad immediately looked different, with extremely high production values, and a thoughtful theme that was anything but dumbed-down. The execution may be complex, but the premise is simple. Apple is different. The mantra still stands.


What do all three have in common? They were unexpected. Who knew that Mean Joe Green had a softer side that went completely against his image? We’d seen violence in commercials before, but not on the scale that the lovably scary Terry Tate was prepared to deliver. And the Apple 1984 ad? We haven’t seen anything like it before or since.


That’s it. The key to success for a Super Bowl ad is to give the audience something unexpected. Of course, the three ads above had a lot more than just that going for them. They had humor, production values, good concepts, and excellent writing. However, the element of surprise is what really sold each of the concepts.


What Was Good in ‘09:

“Good” is a strong word to describe any ad this year, but there were a few that drew a somewhat positive response.


Bud Light - Swedish

http://www.hulu.com/Super Bowl/55727/super-bowl-xliii-ads-bud-light-swedish#s-p2-sf-i0

Ladies and gentlemen, we have the night’s first somewhat funny commercial. I like how Conan shoves his agent into the cab. It adheres to what I call the Terry Tate Law of Super Bowl Advertising. Violence works. The European ad itself was also entertaining.


Careerbuilder.com: Tips

http://www.hulu.com/Super Bowl/55633/super-bowl-xliii-ads-careerbuildercom-tips

The “Oh dear” and the “it’s gold” lines were amusing. I thought the editing was interesting but borderline annoying in its repetition. I have to admit punching the Koala resulting in the sloshed tea made me laugh.


Bridgestone – Taters

http://www.hulu.com/Super Bowl/55725/super-bowl-xliii-ads-firestone-taters

This one works pretty well. It’s short and sweet, and it does a good job selling the time-honored gag of men hating to listen to women talk. The mouth falling off works as do the replacement angry eyes. It was slightly sexist but also engaging.



Coke: Heist

http://www.hulu.com/Super Bowl/55737/super-bowl-xliii-ads-coke-heist#s-p10-sf-i0

The insect animation was really nice in this one, as was the photography. I liked the horned beetle/can opener gag, as well as the bit where the guy reaches for his coke bottle and it’s just a bunch of butterflies that flutter away.


Denny’s: Thugs

http://www.hulu.com/Super Bowl/55608/super-bowl-xliii-ads-dennys-thugs

This didn’t have the effect that it could have since most people had already seen the previous, weaker spots for their “Isn’t it time for a serious breakfast?” campaign, but it was actually funny. Also, they’re giving away a free grand slam. However, I do find it odd that this is the same company that offers the Moons Over My Hammy® plate.


Hulu: Alec in Huluwood

http://www.hulu.com/Super Bowl/55719/super-bowl-xliii-ads-hulu-alec-in-huluwood#s-p1-sr-i0

This was very much in the style of Baldwin’s brilliant turn in the well-written NBC sitcom 30 Rock. It gets outrageous and confusing with the alien theme towards the end, but overall it’s funny and has good energy. This was one of the more delightfully unexpected ads of the bunch.



Honorable Mention:


Pepsi – Refresh Anthem

http://www.hulu.com/Super Bowl/55614/super-bowl-xliii-ads-pepsi-refresh-anthem

Well produced, but if this generation’s Bob Dylan is Will.I.Am, then this generation is in trouble.


Doritos - Crystal Ball

http://www.hulu.com/Super Bowl/55646/super-bowl-xliii-ads-doritos-crystal-ball

Derivative, but a desperate shot to the groin will always appeal to a certain demographic.


Cars.com: David Abernathy

http://www.hulu.com/Super Bowl/55627/super-bowl-xliii-ads-carscom-david-abernathy

This was a straight-up rip-off of The Royal Tannenbaums intro scene right down to the style of narration. At least it was executed well.


Audi: Chase

http://www.hulu.com/Super Bowl/55643/super-bowl-xliii-ads-audi-chase

Nice use of Rockford Files and Magnum P.I. style music and visuals to denote period car chases. Things get confusing in the end as too many concepts (retro, car chases, moving through time, inferiority of non-Audi getaway cars, Jason Stratham, etc.) get confusing. It was an interesting idea though.


Coke Zero: Mean Troy

http://www.hulu.com/Super Bowl/55628/super-bowl-xliii-ads-coke-zero-mean-troy#s-p2-sr-i0

I thought this ad was going to be a travesty since they were going for a parody of the Mean Joe Green classic spot I mention above. However, the spot warmed up toward the end and came out surprisingly well. Part of this has to be due to the excellent choice of the Steelers’ Troy Palomalu. Also of note: This is the first Coke Zero commercial ever that hasn’t made me cringe.



What Was Bad in ‘09:

None of us have time to fully examine all the ads that went wrong (believe me, I tried) but these stood out as particularly reprehensible.



GoDaddy.com: Shower

http://www.hulu.com/Super Bowl/55738/super-bowl-xliii-ads-godaddycom-shower

Apparently GoDaddy.com customers are primarily teenaged loser porn enthusiasts/entrepreneurs who have no trouble breaking myriad privacy laws in order to record Danica Patrick taking a shower with the “German woman from the Dean’s office.” The other GoDaddy.com commercial (a continuation of their courtroom concept) is just as bad but not worth linking to.


Bud Light: Drinkability

http://www.hulu.com/Super Bowl/55634/super-bowl-xliii-ads-bud-light-drinkability

A guy has the unexplained ability to draw solid lines into reality (the lines look like sports analysts drawing on a television screen to illustrate their point.) He most likely kills a skier and then shows up with his arms in casts, also unexplained. This is one seriously lazy execution of a concept that still remains a mystery to me.


Sobe Lizard Lake 3-D

http://www.hulu.com/Super Bowl/55648/super-bowl-xliii-ads-sobe-lizard-lake-3d

You often hear about ad agencies throwing a lot of ideas against the wall to see what sticks. Well, in the case of the Sobe campaign, they take all the ideas that don’t stick and shove them roughly into a single spot. This ad features the following concepts: pro football players performing Swan Lake, pratfall-based physical humor, CG lizards, zombie CG lizards, football players morphing into CG lizards, characters from the upcoming DreamWorks Animation movie Monsters vs. Aliens. Oh, and it’s in 3-D.


Teleflora: Talking Flowers

http://www.hulu.com/Super Bowl/55645/super-bowl-xliii-ads-teleflora-talking-flowers

I enjoy my share of insult comic humor (Don Rickles and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog come to mind) but this box of flowers takes it way too far. This is another in a surprising number of ads this year that directly attack women.


Doritos: Power of the Crunch

http://www.hulu.com/Super Bowl/55728/super-bowl-xliii-ads-doritos-power-of-the-crunch

This is the second ad of the night where someone uses the product directly to disrobe a woman. The product is also used to turn a cop into a monkey. It’s not as interesting as it sounds.



Dishonorable Mention:


Toyota: Killer Heat

http://www.hulu.com/Super Bowl/55649/super-bowl-xliii-ads-toyota-killer-heat

What does driving up a spiral metal ramp while engulfed in flames have to do with day-to-day transmission performance, or anything, for that matter?


Hyundai: Contract

http://www.hulu.com/Super Bowl/55733/super-bowl-xliii-ads-hyundai-contract

Hyundai lets you return your car if you lose your job. I understand their point, but this is one sad commercial.



Trailers and Promos:

Another sad aspect of this year’s crop of ads is that they were summarily outshined by NBC network promos and movie trailers. Have we ever seen more station promos in a Super Bowl? This is no doubt due to ad budget constraints and underselling the time slots this year. The NBC: Heroes Football injected some life into a series that could definitely use it and The Alec Baldwin in Huluwood ad mentioned above was basically an NBC promotion as they’re both owned by the same company. The LMAO spot featuring audience members literally losing their posteriors due to the humorous shenanigans of NBC’s Thursday night lineup deserves mention as well.


Trailers for movies like G.I. Joe, Transformers 2, and Fast and Furious managed to engage viewers far more than any of the umpteenth Clydesdale attempts by previous industry juggernaut Bud Light.


Does this mean that traditional advertising agencies have lost their edge to in-house creative groups and Movie Trailer editing boutiques? I don’t think that’s entirely true, but it’s a scary thought.



In Conclusion:

Last year the ads were so bad it literally made me angry to review them. This year? They just make me sad. By and large the ads in ’09 were safe, derivative, uninspired, and in a few cases, downright insulting. It’s time the entire industry was called-out for dropping the ball two years in a row. It’s pathetic that station promos and trailers are taking attention from the biggest spotlight event ads that the industry will put out this year. Something must change before next year’s Super Bowl. My advice? Go back to basics, and give the audience something unexpected.



A Few Additional Notes:


Worst use of Kiefer Sutherland in an ad:

Universal Studio Parks – Inner Hero

http://www.hulu.com/Super Bowl/55623/super-bowl-xliii-ads-universal-studio-parks-inner-hero


Most obscure pitch man:

Overstock.com: Bling and Boozer

http://www.hulu.com/Super Bowl/55716/super-bowl-xliii-ads-overstockcom-bling-and-boozer

Quick, which team does Carlos Boozer play for? Okay, which professional sport does he play? Still don’t know? Hint, it’s not football.

Monday, February 9th, 2009
6:08 pm
Amazon Santuko knife review
Very nice inexpensive santuko knife,
I bought one of these because many of my friends who take cooking seriously were raving about Santukos. They collectively wouldn't shut up about Santuko knives, even as I spat in their faces and told them no self-respecting cook would ever even consider using such a knife. They further staked out around my apartment, accosting me as I came in and out, pushing Santuko knives in my face, practically forcing me to try one.

I held my ground, stood steadfast, refused, turned my nose up, had security remove them from my estate, but to no avail. My so-called friends kept coming for me, demanding I try a Santuko knife. They would not take no for an answer.

So, finally, I caved. I ordered one, mainly to have the box as evidence to prove that I played along with their insipid game. It was cheap and I trust Calphalon, so I chose this one.

It wasn't all that sharp when I got it, but I took care of that myself with a pull-through sharpener and a steel. I picked it up. The weight and balance weren't all that bad. I actually liked the angle and it felt comfortable to handle. The scalloping actually worked well to clear food away. I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror, holding the knife. I hissed like a vampire burned by the sun and turned away, but I did not drop the knife, rather, I held it close.

At that point, I lowered my shades and turned the lights down. I sat in my chair for a long while, just holding the knife in my hand, thinking to myself what would real chefs think of me using a Santuko? How do I now face my friends? I decided on a compromise.

I would tell my friends that I took one look at the knife and hurled it, disgusted, out into the alley. However, the truth would be different. I decided I would only use it, secretly, under the cover of darkness. Yes! That's how I would avoid facing-up to my friends, who were right about the Santuko. But, they would never know!

Soon, I found myself waking up later and later in the day in order to only cook in the wee hours of the morning. I started telecommuting to work, doing all of my tasks ahead of time and having them automatically sent to my colleagues at rational business hours. I became a creature of the night.

On some dark nights, if you walk by my apartment at the witching hour and have a keen ear, you may hear me chopping ... chopping... chopping with my Calphelon Santuko knife into the night...

See more reviews here.
Thursday, December 18th, 2008
1:09 pm
The Strangler's Gloves
DeadPanWalking: I have your glove
WelcomeBackOtter: nice!
WelcomeBackOtter: I was wondering about that
DeadPanWalking: it's a rather dainty black leather glove, such as a murderous fop would wear to strangle his adversary.
WelcomeBackOtter: note the excessive wear from, well, all the strangling
WelcomeBackOtter: I've been strangling with one hand these past weeks, which ha sbeen bad news for the schoolgirls and midgets of my boro
DeadPanWalking: ha, I bet
Wednesday, December 17th, 2008
11:17 am
Enrage Magazine Concept

DeadPanWalking: I like the idea of a magazine being wholly inspired by rage

DeadPanWalking: it would have to be online, quick to publish, before the vitriol dies down

DeadPanWalking: I guess that's too close to talk radio though

ScatFanShooby: I'd call it "Signal right, turn left magazine"

DeadPanWalking: ha, that's a good name

DeadPanWalking: that's classic rage-inspiration

ScatFanShooby: mostly when you get it, you just rip out some pages, spit on it, and stomp whats left

ScatFanShooby: maybe we could get malcolm gladwell to write a column

DeadPanWalking: he seems kind of calm

DeadPanWalking: I was thinking maybe the mad money guy

ScatFanShooby: the mad money guy doesn't MAKE anyone mad

DeadPanWalking: gladwell will require some poking with a stick or something

DeadPanWalking: oh, right

DeadPanWalking: I get it

DeadPanWalking: the editor will be a guy talking on a mobile phone while riding rollerblades in traffic

DeadPanWalking: the price will be entirely tax

DeadPanWalking: no actual price, but heavily taxed

ScatFanShooby: yeah, we can have the greenpeace street fundraiser issue

ScatFanShooby: I like it

DeadPanWalking: delivery trucks must double-park while filling the street boxes

DeadPanWalking: haha

DeadPanWalking: greenpeace

ScatFanShooby: double park? I'd say triple park, they must always deliver in pairs

DeadPanWalking: first issue lovingly memorializes the Bush years

Thursday, July 17th, 2008
10:43 am
Not that it really means anything to anyone who cares, but The Wire once again was not nominated for a best dramatic series Emmy. That, my friends, is disgusting.

What was nominated (COMEDY):

Curb Your Enthusiasm
The Office
30 Rock
Two and a Half Men

What should have been nominated:

Curb Your Enthusiasm
30 Rock
Always Sunny in Philadelphia
How I Met Your Mom
Pushing Daisies

My Winner: 30 Rock by an apocalyptic-level landslide.

What was nominated (DRAMA):

Boston Legal
Mad Men

What should have been nominated:

Mad Men
Breaking Bad
The Wire
Battlestar Galactica

My Winner: The Wire by the largest margin ever recorded in any competition.

Here's an incomplete list of who I think should win:

Animated program: The Venture  Bros.
Art direction: The Tudors
Comedy: 30 Rock
Commercial: The one where the wolf and the birds are singing in the SUV
Costumes: The Tudors
Drama: The Wire
Comedy Actor: Alec Baldwin
Comedy Actress: Jane Krackowski
Drama Actor: Hugh Laurie
Drama Actress: Kevin Bacon's wife
Supporting Actor Drama: Omar from The Wire
Supporting Actress Drama: Christina Hendricks of Mad Men (insert wolf whistle and steam coming out of collar here)
Supporting Actor Comedy: TIE Tracy Morgan and Jack McBrayer of 30 Rock
Supporting Actress Comedy: Kaitlin Olsen of Always Sunny
Reality competition program: Pet Star
Variety: Colbert Report
Lead Actor Special/Mini-series: Ricky Gervaise in the extras christmas special
Supporting actor Special/Mini-series: The great David Morse playing General Washington in John Adams
Lead Actress Special/Mini - Laura Linney in John Adams
Supporting Actress Special/Mini - Ashley Jenson Extras Christmas special
Best Writing: Drama: Duh, The Wire
Best Writing: Comedy: Duh, 30 Rock
Writing: Variety: Colbert
Writing: Mini: John Adams
Friday, February 29th, 2008
4:11 pm
More bio-writing
Once again, if you need me to write a bio for you, expect something like this:

Jean Paul T_________ is a grizzled veteran of both the content development and production industries, having worked with the likes of AOL, MTV, and FOX.com. However, his greatest achievement by far was his #2 status in Cage aux Folles magazine’s special 17-page pull-out section ranking 2006’s hottest birdcage collectors.

He will stop at nothing to become #1.
Thursday, February 21st, 2008
10:27 am
I miss That '80's Show
1. How old were you in 1980?

2. How old were you in 1989?

3. Were you a Toys R' Us kid?
No, I was vaguely aware of it, but I didn't live anywhere near a store until I was too old to appreciate such childish things.

4. Did you watch Transformers?
I had no interest in Transformers and frankly didn't understand everyone else's infatuation. I suppose my main issue was that some of the characters (specifically the tapes and boom box) were depicted at times to be life size and at others to be nearly as large as their contemporaries who transformed into much larger things like Mack trucks and jets. The size disparity annoyed my logic center.

5. Did you see E.T. on the big screen?
Yes. I recall being quite frightened by the poster, but very impressed by the movie.

6. Did you own a Lite Bright?
I was a light bright addict. I still can't be allowed in the same room with one.

7. Who is your Favorite Golden Girl?
I'm going to have to go with Blanche. Tough question.

8. When someone says " Who you gonna call? " You think?
A team of paranormal exterminators who (sic) "Ain't afraid of no ghost."

9.What was your favorite toy?

10. Did you have a Pogo Ball?
No, but I gave one a spin once. I was disappointed when I realized I could probably jump higher without it.

11. Did you listen to New Kids on the Block?
It would have been impossible not to. NKOTB, as reprehensible as they seemed at the time, actually gave me and my friends endless comedy material, so I can't complain too much. My Donnie Wahlberg (the bad boy) impersonation regularly brought the house down.

12. What New Kid did you have a crush on?
Tough call. I guess I perceived Jordan as being the best looking one, but the girls seemed to all have various opinions. I ended up meeting Jordan later in life, he's a really nice guy if a bit of a mess (but who isn't?)

13. Did you play M.A.S.H?
Ha, I used to make these incredibly detailed mash apparatuses that would go into specifics about the players future economic status and lifestyle, all way over the top. For instance, you could end up married to the Sultan of Dubai or, alternately, to Jim Varney  of "Ernest goes to ..." fame or some other such bumpkin. You're future dwelling could be anything from a hidden government bunker in the desert to a Sandanistan refugee camp in Nicaragua.

14. Did you watch The Care Bears?
Oh, I watched them. I watched them closely with darting eyes and furrowed brow. I knew they were up to something.

15. Did you have Jelly bracelets?
I didn't wear any jewelry as it could potentially be caught in a basketball net or rim and therein rip my arm/fingers off.

16. Did you ever own a slap bracelet?
See above.

17. The Breakfast Club or Sixteen Candles?
Definitely The Breakfast Club. I had high hopes for Judd Nelson's acting career.

18. Did you have a crazy hair style?
I believe it was like assymetrical bangs down to my chin. It changed a lot.

19. What was your first bike?

20. Name one thing you still own from your childhood?
Charles Schultz's Peanuts Encyclopedias (4th edition.)

21. Did you have a Cabbage Patch Kid?
No, I was more of a garbage pail kid type of guy.

22. Rainbow Brite or Strawberry Shortcake?
Hahaha, I remember this girl I knew having a large sack of all her Strawberry Shortcake dolls in varying scents. Keeping them all together made them all smell the same, and really really grotesque.

23. Did you watch Miami Vice?
I didn't watch, but I was heavily influenced by their style. I wore nothing but pastels for years.

24. Did you own a Trapper Keeper?
Mine was blue. It's interesting, I remember a friend of mine having the same one. He ended up losing his and I joked that I had purloined it (since mine was the same model and in roughly the same shape.) Four office visits later I vowed never to jokingly state that I'd stolen something at a school with metal detectors.

25. Atari or Nintendo?
Atari. We were always strapped for cash, so I was about 4 or so years behind on game systems. I've been able to cut about 2 years off of that as an adult, but I'm still rocking the PS2.

26. Did you play Pac-Man?
I could draw the maze with my eyes closed in less than a minute.

27. Which was better: Jem and The Holograms or Barbie and The Rockers?
I was a Misfits fan (I live in Williamsburg, remember?)

28. He-Man or She-Ra?
I'd have to go with She-Ra on this one. She was sort of attractive to be so crudely animated.

29. What movie scared you the most?
It wasn't a movie it was a TV show. Specifically, an episode of Tales From the Dark Side directed by horror stalwart Tom Savini called "Inside the Closet" concerning (from Wikipedia) "A young woman taking up board in an elderly man's house insists that there is something lurking inside of the small, locked closet in her bedroom." Turns out it a monster and a nasty one at that. Apparently the old man had tried some sort of experiment on his daughter that misfired completely.

30. Did you try to dance like Michael Jackson?
I could do all that stuff way before he could.

31. What Is The First Thing That Comes To Mind When You Hear "flux copassitor"
My favorite actor, none other than Crispin Glover. "Get your damn hands off of her!" and so forth.

32. What other colors did Pepsi come in?
Nobody in the South drinks Pepsi, it's not considered fit for consumption.

33. Roger Rabbit Or Howard The Duck?
Roger Rabbit by a long shot.

34. Did you ever beg your parents to have your school picture taken with the 'LASER' background?
No, I always tried to get out of having my picture taken. Still do. I prefer my legacy to be passed on in story-form.

35. Do you know what the Ninja Rap is?
Never heard of it.

36. Do you know why people cringe when they hear the word BUCKNER?
This interview is over.
Monday, February 4th, 2008
4:55 pm
Superbowl Post + Ads I Despised

This is my first year living in the city that won the Super Bowl.The G-Men's playoff experience was an odd one for the fans in New York. For one thing a lot of people didn't really know the players very well (Who is and how far down the depth chart is Ahmad Bradshaw? Steve Smith? Is that even a real name? Who the hell is David Tyree?)

Plus, nobody really expected anything out of this team when...

1.) The main star running back and unrelentingly bland Today Show correspondent Tiki Barber retired.

2.) Starting "franchise" quarterback Eli Manning's primary character trait was to freak completely out whenever pressured.

3.) Mulleted loudmouth tight end Jeremy Shockey got hurt and the awesomely-named big play wide receiver Plaxico Burress was so lame he didn't even practice all season.

4.) The Giants traded unused running back Ryan Grant to rival Green Bay where he immediately became a gigantic freaking superstar.

5.) Head coach Tom Coughlin was perceived as not only a bad coach but also a real asshole, not to mention he shares his name with former Wal-Mart Vice Chairman Tom Coughlin who got caught embezzling money, some of which apparently found its way into the perfumed decolletage of some of Arkansas's finest working ladies.

6.) The Giants tanked their first two games of the season, getting blown-out by Dallas and Green Bay, two teams that Big Blue would end up eliminating in their unlikely playoff run.

"Unlikely." That was the word I kept thinking while I watched the game. It was unlikely that the Giants would even be in this game, much less win it. It was unlikely that I would watch even a single NFL game this year, but I ended up watching something like five (By the way my vote for league MVP goes to my LCD HD television, which makes all sporting events about one-thousand-gazillion times more interesting. After the Green Bay game in the snow I was hooked. I even watched the winter X Games. Snow + HD is officially a ratings magnet. Look for any event having anything to do with snowfall to be televised next year. Look for networks coming up with reasons to cover anything where snow is falling slightly after that, and finally, look for networks to start creating fake snow and having it fall on every broadcast where snow is not expected.) Even more completely unlikely was that I would be able to catch a cab home 20 minutes after the game was over (I did.)

Anyway, enough about the game, let's get down to business. Money business. The real reason the Super Bowl - or any non-subscription television for that matter - exists, is because of advertising. So without further set-up let's delve into some of the highest profile spots of the year. No ads really stood out to me as being good, so instead of talking about those I'm going to examine five ads I really really hated. 


These were ads that I saw and immediately could tell that something had gone wrong. Since I can no longer use 2007's favorite cliché, "They made me throw up a little in my mouth." I'll simply say that these ads made me throw up a little into my hand, and then my hand was burning from the stomach acid so I had to get up and go wash it.

Planters -

A conventionally unattractive (unibrow, muffin top, goofy teeth, etc.) woman goes about her day as a number of conventionally attractive guys (broad shoulders, strong jaw line, full head of hear, etc.) gawk, flirt, and pretty much do everything short of humping her leg in order to convey the fact that they are, against all odds, (GASP) attracted to this unkempt beast of a woman. How could this be, the American commercial viewing public asks? Well, the spot explains away the vile hag's amorous paramours to the fact that she had doused herself with the scent of Planters peanuts. Hmm... okay, the problem with this is that nobody who wasn't born in a famine-stricken third-world country considers the smell of peanuts sexy. In fact, if you've ever been at your desk and thought to yourself "I smell peanut butter!" and then realized it was a nearby co-worker eating peanuts and then you followed your first thought with "Oh, my God, what I'm smelling is peanut butter being made inside someone's MOUTH!" well, you get the terrifying mental picture: F

Bud Light -
Wheel Suck

This spot wins this year's highly competitive "We've run out of ideas" award. Not only are cavemen already overexposed and are practically owned as a concept by media-spot-buying juggernaut Geico, this Bud Light spot could actually be used as a practical example of the points the Geico ads are trying to make: cavemen = oppressed minority. Bud Light's cavemen are dumb as the rocks they fashion into a number of failed "tools" with even the typically-appreciated wheel falling victim to their insolence and stupidity. I honestly can't believe the once great Bud Light advertising decision makers were willing to trot out this tired old gag. This ad manages to be both uninspired and flagrantly derivative, which is no small task. Congratulations, Bud Light, you get an: F

Sales Genie -
Entrepreneur Pandas, Desert Island Stranded Ship Captain

I'm guessing a copywriter or creative director caught an episode of the cartoon, The Amazing Chan Clan (made not-all-that famous for being on at Eric Stoltz's character's house when John Travolta's character arrives with an OD'ing Uma Therman's character in Pulp Fiction) and decided that there's no better time than now to capitalize on the nostalgia of this fairly obscure, not much beloved, and basically ignored animated artifact. Not only is the concept lame, but the panda spot manages to maintain the most offensive aspects of the cartoon (comical asian pronunciation of English phrases) The uselessly surreal aspects of the desert island spot (Why is Captain Crunch stranded on an Island? Why does he despise Sales Genie? Why SHOULDN'T I despise Sales Genie?) certainly don't help: F

Vitamin Water -
Horsin' Around with Shaq

Okay, we get it. Shaq is large so putting him in situations typically reserved for small people is funny because it's ironic. Here, Shaq is an unlikely jockey. Even more weird is that he wins but somehow I'm not surprised that he's drinking a prominently labeled Vitamin Water in the winner's circle. Other things that Shaq is too big to be: Gymnast, crew vessel coxswain, American Idol host. I want to see three :30 spot treatments for each on my desk first thing tomorrow morning: F

Sobe Life Water -
Some times I see an ad and I immediately imagine what the pitch must have been. Here's the Sobe Life Water pitch as I imagine it:

"Okay, okay, here's how it goes. You know all those viral videos where prisoners and wedding parties and people on the subway spontaneously break out in the choreographed group dancing from the video for Michael Jackson's Thriller? I know, I know, I love that stuff too and it's TOTALLY viral. Okay, you remember how much everyone loved the Bud Light lizards and to a lesser degree the Geico Gecko? Yeah, yeah, all those reptiles tested through the ROOF! Alright, try to keep up with me here ... what we're going to do is hire Naomi Campbell as your spokesperson and ... what was that? Oh, yeah, well I think she's out on probation now. Huh? I don't know if she's retired, I think she's just getting kind of old and doesn't really do much modeling anymore. Anyway, Naomi Campbell is drinking a Sobe, right? And this adorable animated lizard is SO crazy about Sobe that he does a Matrix-style bullet-time kung-fu jump so he can catch a splash of the beverage on his tongue. Hang on, there's more. After the CGI lizard drinks the sip, he transforms into a zombie lizard and starts dancing to Michael Jackson's Thriller and a bunch of other lizards join him and they continue to dance until the end of the commercial when they collapse - clearly spent from their exertion - and lounge around on Naomi Campbell's bare arms. Whew! Let me catch my breath! So what do you guys think?": F

(Later) "We were thinking this ad would be the start of a whole campaign! Next up we're going to get Kate Moss to do a two-girls-one-cup parody with a team of Clydesdales! The kids will love it!

Keep in mind that this is in no way a complete list, as the quality of the ads this year were largely horrifying. In fact I really didn't even crack the surface of the writhing maggot-occupied  festering corpse that was the Superbowl XLII commercials line-up. Until next time, I'll be washing my hand if you need me.

Monday, January 14th, 2008
11:21 am
Giant cowboys vs. angry robots.

I don't usually watch pro football. I like to handicap the games and pick against the Vegas lines, but that's more about math than football. The sport doesn't really interest me. I was never all that good at it (I was a prima-donna WR in the few years that I did play, much in the mold of Terrell Owens but lacking any degree of success to go with my reprehensible attitude.) Yesterday, though, I found myself watching what my girlfriend kept laughingly referring to as the "Giant Cowboy Game."

You see, my girlfriend has this running gag about any sports team whose mascot name can be used as a modifier (The Giant cheerleaders, the Titan uniforms, etc.) as well as other mascot names that simply come across as humorous due to placement of phrase (for instance, the Angel hitters, etc.) So the fact that this was the "Giant Cowboy  Game" and the fact that we live in New York and couldn't get away from people talking about the "Giant Playoff Run" were reasons enough to check it out. The "Giant Defense" pummeled the "Cowboy Players" (sounds like a Western variety theatrical road show) to the point where the most heralded "Cowboy Receiver" (Gay porn title? Pony Express designation?) to the point of tears.

However giant, this would not end up being the biggest story in sports that day.

This story, about a cybernetic/human highbred organism being denied the opportunity to compete in the Olympics certainly raised my eyebrow.

I've been carrying on for quite some time now to anyone who will listen about the imminent robot/cyborg/bionic organism rebellion that's most likely brewing. I'm not talking about some "terminator" rubbish, I mean the real deal. We as Earth humans are already showing signs of treating robots like crap.

Olympic Committee to bionic sprinter: "You can't be in the Olympics." Me to my automatic cat litter box: "Here, shovel this cat crap." Robots do all the ugly tasks we people can't be bothered with. Ask a roomba how much he likes his job. He may not be able to answer you now, but wait 20 years.

First we develop cybernetics to help someone who isn't physically able. Then these bionic enhancements increase performance beyond the typical human body. Then Olympic committees tell them to sod off. Soon evil villain types will be sawing off their limbs for custom prosthetics, putting a few chips in their head, buying a few Russian shoulder-mounted missile launchers on the black arms market (soon to be selling actual "arms") and walking right into Fort Knox with a list of demands. There's going to be trouble, mark my words.

Tuesday, January 8th, 2008
6:03 pm
An Evening With Anna Nova's "Quirkies"
me"It wasn't a big deal for me. I've pulled things that are even heavier," he told Changsha Evening News.

"I was doing some work, and both hands were occupied, so I tried to move something heavy with my teeth, and did it," he said.

not much of a showmanship attitude
not really getting the concept of his occupation
basic concept
 me"I don't see the big deal. In fact, why don't you get those cameras and microphones out of my face, buddy."
"i'm just minding my own business, pulling airplanes with my teeth, what don't you just bugger off"
 me"Can't a Chinese man park a plane with his teeth without attracting a media circus around here?"
Bjorn"I was doing some work, and both hands were occupied, so I tried to move something heavy with my teeth, and did it," he said. "'Fuck it,' I thought."

Later that same day...

 menow I have to weigh whether it would be worth it to get rid of acid reflux and sinusitus, my only known weaknesses.
 mebut then I'd be blue, now wouldn't I?
 Bjorncould be worth it
 meIt actually kind of works with the white beard and hair though
 methis is funny

Cremations to warm mourners
Mourners shivering in a chapel are to be kept warm using heat generated from cremating their loved ones.
shivering as we speak
desperate for warmth
meSex with robots by 2050
your 2008 resolution?
meShouldn't this one be on Page 1? Above the fold?

Tuesday, December 11th, 2007
7:18 pm
"That should be WAY more dispicable! Oh, Subway Superman!"

My girlfriend upon cracking open the New York magazine year-end Mega Matrix.
Monday, November 26th, 2007
11:27 am
Uno Attack - The Ultimate Viral Campaign
me: oh, have you seen the Scrabble Attack commercial that has the jingle that states "You might get aids"?
Bjorn: i haven't
me: wait, it's called "Uno attack"
Bjorn: i don't get it
me: here's a clip
but it's better in context of the entire commercial
Bjorn: ha
me: freshfromrikers (YouTube Name)
I don't see how this got past everyone within Mattel and whatever ad agency was working on this. When they say UNO "attack" they're not kidding!
it's pretty funny
Bjorn: ha
me: I was doing something on the computer when it came on at my house and I was like "Did they just say I might get aids?"
Bjorn: new meaning to viral
me: and R_____ was like "did they say you might get aids?"
hahaha "new meaning to viral"
good one
Bjorn: thx
me: you should go on tour
Bjorn: i know
me: Bjorn L_____ - Online Stand Up
Bjorn L_____ - Log In, Stand Up!
HBO special
1 hour, none of that 30 minutes crap
 Bjorn: ha
11:14 am
Taco Bell's New Burrito is EXTREMELY Mild
Bjorn: where are you staying
me: unsure, probably a mid-swanky hotel of some sort
wherever ___ puts people up
me: expecting mid-swank
Bjorn: semi-hillary swank
me: haha
Bjorn: ha
me: meh-tastic
Bjorn: ha
me: wildy mild
have you seen that new Taco Bell commercial for the chipotle burrito?
They make a bid deal of saying that it's not that spicy
Bjorn: ha
me: anyway, one guy has a burrito and his Hipster-ish roomate with big hair comes in with a burrito of his own, calling it something like "Curse de Diablo" or something and claiming it's very hot.
The guy with the taco bell chipotle burrito smugly claims that his burrito is not all that hot but just right in the spice department.

The big-haired guy with the really hot burrito makes fun of the smug guy until suddenly his burrito (in bag) catches fire.

Then we're served all kinds of disclaimers at the bottom of the screen.
Bjorn: ha
me: and finally some sort of message about the chipotle burrito being spicy but not too spicy.
Bjorn: doubt it's as entertaining as your description of it is though
me: which of course goes against everything we've ever been told about taco bell being "Extreme" and whatnot.

no, it's pretty lame, but the message is completely off brand.
Bjorn: yeah
me: it's a case of too many people overthinking a burrito commercial

Previous to viewing said commercial, I would never have thought such a thing possible.
Bjorn: ha
Wednesday, October 17th, 2007
11:06 am
Last night I dreamt that I was shot and stabbed by two different assailants in a single night. I was on some boardwalk when a dude attempted some sort of michief which I found myself involved in, and he shot me in the left shoulder. I couldn't tell if it was intentional or not. As I was walking to some sort of clinic/hospital I found myself in the middle of some other altercation which led to my being stabbed in the quadracep. At this point I'm pretty much annoyed as hell about my bum luck. So, anyway, I hot-foot-it to the hospital and even though I'm bleeding profusely and somewhat dizzy with blood loss, I am told to wait for a doctor in the waiting room. I remember thinking "Even in my dreams this country's healthcare system sucks." (Editor: Deadpanwalking often experiences periods of lucidity in his dreams.) I also remember laying on some sort of gurney and telling the attandant to keep the bullet so I could put it on a necklace in order to later make lots of bad jokes comparing myself to 50 Cent.
Wednesday, September 26th, 2007
5:38 pm
Chipmunk Scat Fetishists - Your Day Has Come!
DeadPanWalking: As the latest incarnation of my argument that television content will soon overtake movie content in quality I hereby present to you ...
DeadPanWalking: this:http://www.apple.com/trailers/fox/alvinandthechipmunks/medium.html
lil hinx: hahah,  you're preaching to the choir
lil hinx: TV has to keep audiences excited
DeadPanWalking: this trailer
lil hinx: Movies have to have an opening weekend
DeadPanWalking: utilizes primarily one joke
DeadPanWalking: one chipmonk eats the other chipmonk's shit
DeadPanWalking: I never really thought it useful or relevant to call John Waters a prophet, but there it is.
lil hinx: hahhaha
DeadPanWalking: Dane Cook alone is reason enough to never go to another movie
DeadPanWalking: I went to quicktime trailers site to see what was going on with October horror movies and I ended up just being depressed.
DeadPanWalking: there's literally nothing that looks any good at all.
lil hinx: ron howard has a movie about moon zombies
DeadPanWalking: people keep saying that rising water levels are going to destroy Los Angeles
lil hinx: brb, reboot
DeadPanWalking: but I counter that it's already been destroyed
Thursday, August 16th, 2007
11:20 am

1.) If I were a doll, the accessories packaged with me would be:
top hat, cane, monacle, multiple cats.

2.) I have an irrational fear of:

3.) What type of food do you eat at your grandparents house?
Soul Food

4.) What weight were you when you were born?

5.) What would you do if you were stranded on an island with the person you hate most?
picket incessantly

6.) What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on?
exact my terrible revenge

7.) Do you stalk anyone on myspace?
i've been advised by my team of lawyers not to answer this and in any case, I certainly don't recall.

8.) I find the thought of childbirth:
not as interesting as the idea of returning to the moment of childbirth with all my current acquired knowledge.

9.) Next door to my house is:
a chop shop

10.) My feet are:
amazing beyond the realm of mortal comprehension

11.) My preferred style of jeans is:

12.) Why is your 1 your 1?
Dr. J vs. Larry Bird on an Apple II e

13.) Know how to cook?
Considering I have internet access, a subscription to cook's illustrated, and am capable of following directions, then yes, I'd say I definitely know how to cook.

14.) I am annoyed with:

15.) What is the worst way you were dumped??
one girl broke up with me and then stalked me and tried to hit me with her car when she discovered I was out with another girl. Not even with the help of several therapists and Abigale Van Buren have I been able to figure that one out.

16.) What child-related smell do you not like?
stale cookies and violated diapers

17.) What sea creature scares you?
duh, shark

18.) What color hair do most of the people you are around have?
hmmm... (looking around room) Actually, I live in a post-apocalyptic dystopian society where apparently everyone shaves their head. Either that or at an ad agency where a lot of dudes are reaching their late 30's with suffering hairlines and still want to be perceived as "with it."

19.) What object have you broken most recently?
the seal on a bottle of Maker's Mark

20.) Name one of the Spice Girls.
Hungry, Hungry Spice

21.) What was the last thing to make you cry?
Hallmark commercial where they don't think the son will make it home but he slips into the house at night just in time for Christmas morning

22.) What are the stems on wine glasses for?
I'm not sure, but they certainly weren't well thought-out. They raise the center of gravity considerably for a delicate object which is frequently in the hands of someone who has lost most if not all motor control.

23.) My favorite shoes are:
currently covered in cat urine and have been banished to the back yard, perhaps forever.

24.)Can you use chopsticks?
I didn't realize I had been given a choice.

25.) Do you prefer beaches or forests?
Beaches, I'm quite keen on that song "Wind Beneath My Wings." Beautiful message there if you're willing to look for it.

26.) What serial killer do you find most disturbing?
John Wayne Gacy (I'm scare of clowns)

27.) Who knows a secret or two about you?
only my dear diary

28.) Have you ever burned yourself?
Physically, yes, verbally, no

29.) Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?
those insufferable tabloids

30.) Who is your hero[s]?
Kieth Hernadez, Crispin Glover, Robert Downey Sr.

40.) Do you believe that things last forever?
I've had this watch for quite some time, I'll have to give a definite answer to this later ... much later.

41.) What are you listening to?
The tortured wailing of my numerous fallen enemies

42.) What do you smell like?
kittens, sunshine, unicorns, in that order

43.) Are you married?
Do you see me pushing a stroller through park slope? Am I riding a lawnmower?

44.) Does anyone regularly tell you they love you?
All the time since birth

45.) What's the most confusing to you?
Right now I'm perplexed as to why someone would use an adjective in a sentence without it describing anything.

46.) Do you have any bad habits?
Some say that I myself am the bad habit. I've always been a bit of a rebel, a bad-boy if you will, a loose cannon. I play by my own rules, buck the system, and so forth and so on.

47.) Have you ever wanted to be a teacher?
You'd have to pay me in football stadium-sized bags of diamonds dipped in gold.

48.) What is one thing you've learned about life?
Anyone can be a writer if they're pissed off enough.

49.) What's your favorite color?
I appreciate all colors equally with the notable exceptions of Cornflower Blue, Burnt Sienna, Orange-Red and Red-Orange.

50.) Have you ever been stuck in an elevator?
I swear up and down that I don't recall.

52.) Has anyone told you that they like you more than a friend
depends on which of their friends they are referring to.

53.) What are you looking forward to?
getting the backspace key on my laptop fixed.

54.) How are you today?
Fine, yourself?

Monday, March 5th, 2007
5:16 pm
This was for work?

I was tasked (at work, no less) to come up with fake top 100 singles for client. Here was my first attempt:

  • Mums – Trust Me, I’m Hot (from: Mum’s The Word)
  • Acorn – I’m Unconcerned (from: Cornvicted)
  • Dustin Jamberlink – Circular Logic (from: FutureWhoopie/WuvSounds
  • Shelly Fruitatta – Peel it Right (from: The Fruits of My Labor)
  • Dougherty – Is it Over? (from: Return to Bevery Hills)
  • Redicolus – Runaway Wuv – (from: Message Therapy)
  • Darling Marlon – On the Emergency Information Line (from: 411 is a Joke)
  • Robin Gross – Tied to U (From: Meredeth Baxter is Not My Mom)
  • Southern Belles – Not Ready to Apologize (from: Mistake of the Union)
  • Green Sour Dill Pickles - Sleet (Hey-OOOOOOh!) (from: Serene Arena)
  • Young Geezer (Featuring R. Aunchy) – Gotta Getta Got It (from: Frosty)
  • Old Baby tha Monarch (Featuring Lil’ Tipsey) – Why I Still Live? (from: Median Mean)

These were deemed to close to the real thing for comfort (being parody and whatnot) so I then just made a bunch up (long term readers may recognize the Boston boy band:

  • Luna Vega – The Sins of My Brothers (from: Grind Haus)
  • Geometrical – Maff Class (from: Proof Positive)
  • Private Rhymes (featuring General Jams) – Endearing Occupation – (from: Occupy My Heart)
  • Lil’ Corsican – Waterloo (from: Live from St. Helena)
  • The Emoticons – Crying in Code (from: Tears on My Keyboard)
  • Sour Cream and Chav – Croyden Facelift (from: Tracksuits and Travesty)
  • Lord of the Bling – My Precious (From: From Mordor With Love)
  • Deacon – Save Yourself – (From: Revelations)
  • Interplanetary MC (featuring ProJeK X) – Tha’ Speed of Lite (from: N.A.S.S.U.A.)
  • Skullduggery (with Guile) – Misappropriated (from: The Magical Miscreants)
  • The Robber Barons – Lord of the Liege (from: Family Feudalism)
  • 2 Hot 4U – Smoove Rubbin’ (from: Girl, You Know How It Is)
  • T.H.R.O.B (The Handsome Rogues of Boston) – Blah Blah Girl (from: Not Your Father’s Boy Band)
  • T.H.R.O.B. (The Handsome Rogues of Boston) – Fanuel Holla’ (from: Not Your Father’s Boy Band)
  • Robbin’ Hood (featuring Fria’ Tuck) – Split That Thang (from: Straight Up York Town)
  • Lil’ Screechy – Pump up the Treble! (from: Nails on a Chalkboard)
  • The Dim Wits – Knuckleheaded (from: The Light is On but Nobody’s Home)
  • The Head Scratchaz – What rhymes with Orange? (from: Perplexed and Purloined)
  • Naughty Dolly – Show Me Where I Touched You (from: Play Time is Over)
  • Dos Ex Machina - Suspenda la Incredulidad (from: Philosphies y Foto Ops.)
[ << Previous 20 ]
The National Self-Obsession and Angst Archive   About LiveJournal.com